A new literary genre

Unlike most of the post that arrives every morning, I do tend to open Christmas cards. This leaves me with the difficult dilemma of whether to read the round robin letters that they contain. Today, I was feeling generous, and have read a couple of them. I’ve even subjected Robin to some extracts. It struck me that it was time to define the literary genre of the round robin letter, so thought I’d compile an easy-to-follow ‘how to’ guide:

- Begin with an apology. A typical example would be: ‘Sorry about the round robin nature of this letter, but things are busy …’ This is a well-known literary technique that is particularly effective in engaging the reader.

- Write in the third person. After all, it wouldn’t do to give the impression that all of the people who sign at the bottom weren’t actually involved in the writing. Using the third person similarly safeguards against the necessity of personal implication in anything communicated later.

- Try to be funny. This is only obligatory if you aren’t naturally inclined to humour. Because if you are, better to try to be serious. Either way, ensure that the style feels as forced as possible.

- List off births, deaths and marriages. Include details such as the date or the cause of death, and don’t forget to mention how ‘nice’ the weddings were, and how ‘sad’ it was to attend the funerals. Don’t elaborate in any meaningful way.

- Give a chronological account of holidays taken. Say where you went, how long you stayed, what the weather was like, and give the name (without description) of a number of locally-famous landmarks unknown to your readers.

- Recount individually the activities of each person in your family. It clearly wouldn’t be appropriate to give the impression that your loved-ones actually interact. Remember that pets, however, don’t deserve their own section of the letter.

- Sign off with the uninventive ‘Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year’. This rule should never be broken: it is simply how Christmas letters are signed off. Anything else would be just be a pretentious show of personality.

Happy writing!!